Introduction
A year ago I found myself sitting alone in a small 象店(kisaten), a Japanese coffee shop, sipping coffee as I watched the bustling streets outside. It was a Sunday, so while everyone enjoyed spending that afternoon with friends or family, I was alone. However, this sense of aloneness wasn’t uncomfortable. It was only recently I realized why I never found this feeling odd. These little opportunities allowed me to reconnect with myself, listen to my thoughts, and nurture the part of me that longs for quiet moments.
Sitting and wondering why I valued these moments led me to my research on the five love languages. Traditionally, these are associated with how we connect to others. But what if we applied these to ourselves? What if, we could utilize these tools to transform solitude from a space of discomfort into a one of self-compassion?
In this post, I’ll explore how to use the love languages–Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch– to help build a nurturing relationship with yourself, especially when you’re alone. Whether you are currently struggling with loneliness or simply want to connect with yourself, these languages may be your solution to finding misery in being alone.
1. Understanding Love Languages
This concept was first coined by Baptist pastor, Dr. Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages; How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. While these were originally intended to help people understand how to connect with romantic partners, in recent years this idea has been expanded further beyond relationships. They offer us valuable insights into how we express and receive love in general. Each person has one or more dominant love languages that influence how they feel cared for, understood, and valued. To deepen our sense of self-compassion, we can use these love languages in our own lives, especially during periods of solitude.
Here is a brief breakdown of the five love languages:
- Words of Affirmation
- Expression through spoken words, praise, or appreciation. You can easily make their day with a compliment or pointing out something they do well!
- Acts of Service
- People with this love language often feel most loved when others do things for them that show care and consideration. Whether it’s remembering their coffee order, or cooking a meal, these simple actions speak volumes.
- Receiving Gifts
- This one is a little more self-explanatory, receiving tangible tokens of affection is the most meaningful way to experience love. The item itself isn’t as important, rather it’s the intention behind the gift that counts.
- Quality Time
- This is the one I’m most familiar with, we feel most loved when given undivided attention and value time spent. The quantity of time doesn’t matter but the quality of the connection. Simply going to a coffee shop and chatting can be so fulfilling.
- Physical Touch
- People who feel the most loved when physically touched have this as their dominant love language. These are actions such as hand-holding, hugs, or cuddling. This language is rooted in presence and connection.
How Love Languages Relate to Self-Compassion
Understanding your primary love language can provide important insights as to how you can care for yourself best. As important as it is to express these to those we love, it is crucial to recognize that these same languages are used to develop a more compassionate relationship with ourselves. By identifying and incorporating these into your daily life, you begin to meet your emotional needs. Additionally, as you embrace these languages, you learn valuable skills such as listening to your inner self and building a foundation of self-love that dramatically improves your well-being.
In the next section, I will give you some advice on practical ways of incorporating the love languages into your daily life and showing yourself the love and care you deserve!
2. Applying the Love Languages to Yourself
Now that you understand the five love languages, it’s time to dive in and explore how we can apply them to our own lives. Each of the languages offers a unique way to reinforce the idea that we are worthy of love, care, and kindness–regardless of our circumstances.
- Words of Affirmation: Speak Kindly to Yourself
- Positive Self Talk: Catch when you start thinking or saying negative things like “I’m not good enough,” or “I’ll never achieve my goals.” Instead, replace them with affirmations to contrast those self-doubts like, “I am worthy of love,” or “I am enough.”
- Daily Affirmations: Create a list of affirmations that resonate with you and say them aloud daily. These will regularly affirm your value and celebrate your strengths. Take note of affirmations that most resonate with you and be sure to remind yourself of them throughout your day.
- Acts of Service: Show Yourself Care
- Self-care Routines: Create and commit yourself to regular self-care practices. Some actions include setting time aside to meditate, making sure you’re drinking enough water, or wearing a face mask to unwind.
- Organizing Your Space: I know, it’s sometimes overwhelming to clean a messy space and try to put it off, but decluttering and organizing your living space can be the ultimate act of self-love. A tidy environment can boost productivity and keep you at peace.
- Setting Boundaries: I know another hard one for some, but if you truly want to value yourself, sometimes saying no is an act of service in itself. These acts are some of the strongest to protect your energy.
- Receiving Gifts: Treating Yourself
- Gift Yourself Something Special: This could be any small token of appreciation like a book you’ve been wanting to read or a cute plant for your space. These little gifts show you that you deserve pleasures in life.
- Invest in Happiness: Treat yourself to a weekend getaway or a nice dinner to nourish your soul and serve as small reminders of joy.
- Celebrate Achievements: When you achieve something no matter how big or small, gift yourself something as a reward like your favorite dessert or a movie night.
- Quality Time: Connection with Yourself
- Mindful Solitude: By making time for activities that prioritize being present with yourself you create a peaceful space just by disconnecting from distractions. Try activities like meditation, journaling, or taking a walk outside.
- Hobbies and Passions: As I found out from starting this blog, engaging in activities that bring you joy helps to reconnect with that lost inner self. I love activities like writing and drawing (although I am no Monet), which give me a sense of fulfillment.
- Solo Adventures: This is probably the one I regularly practice, living in a city allowed me to explore new places and spend SO much time in places that bring me joy. Some of my favorites are going to art museums or cozy cafes.
- Physical Touch: Embracing Comfort through Touch
- Gentle Movement: Engaging your body in practices like yoga, pilates, stretching, or dancing improves your connection with your physical self. No matter how long or how often you do it, regularly moving your body fills me with a sense of accomplishment.
- Self-Soothing Tools: When I tell you the best investment I’ve made was a heated blanket, I am not lying. Getting yourself things like a weighted/heated blanket, or cozy clothes gives a sense of comfort. Physical warmth soothes the body and provides a little relief during stressful times.
- Affectionate Touch: A warm bath or massage can do wonders to get rid of any negative feelings. These simple physical actions are often the ones we don’t realize we need.
Conclusion
Before I finish I want to remind you of something, engaging in these self-love acts is in no way selfish. You should never feel guilty to take time to care for yourself. Everyone deserves to be loved especially self-love. Without it, it is hard to express to our loved ones how much we care for them. Knowing which love language is most effective in bringing yourself compassion can truly change your life.
My homework for you is to stick to one of the love languages you resonate with most, for one week, incorporate small self-love actions into your daily routine to start your self-compassion journey. It is all about consistency and patience, there is no need to rush!
♥️keep it cure, keep it you -the Downtown Grl♥️